December 2018
Late Night Lentils, December 1, 2018
I’ve been trying to lose some weight; I am successfully intermittent fasting but the problem is I’m doing my eating for the day after midnight. And even worse, I get home and then eat an entire bag of these very delicious Himalayan salt lentil chips that my bodega carries. I tell myself the ratio of bean powder makes them nearly healthy but no surprise, I haven’t really lost a bit of pudge.
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Mean Reds, December 2, 2018
Someone close has informed me that something I said has left an awful taste in their mouth and now I have an awful taste in mine. I know the person is in pain and that such pain likely exists way beyond this matter and it’s a terrible, gut-stabbing position to be in — I don’t know what to do or say beyond what I have and it fucking sucks. Someone else reminded me of the ‘mean reds’ as described in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, this all makes me think of that.
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Rabid Reds, December 3, 2018
First I was three hours late in this update and now I’m at six ugh. My ass has been handed to me over the last 24 hours and I got all wrapped up in being overly emotional and upset and making new Donate/Submit Content pages and now here we are. Also, my mean reds phase mentioned yesterday has escalated; no longer just mean, they’re rabid grrrrr.
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Ugly Crying in front of men, December 4, 2018
I cried in front of strangers yesterday. I also cried in front of people I know, respect and work with. The latter instance was by far the most humiliating and I was immediately ashamed; they were all males and I am an elected leader in the space we share. All of those stereotypes of why women can’t lead rang in my ears: overly emotional, hysterical, unfit, driven by hormones, unstable. Maybe yesterday’s glut of feelings were PMS-related? Maybe not. I let the shame come, I let it go, and eventually I came around to feeling comfortable owning the event. Yes, it happened. I had emotions, a lot of them, and they were ugly. I am human and look, I’m still standing.
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Sun’s Up belly’s up, December 5, 2018
There’s something about waking up earlier than usual that makes me extremely hungry. I mean that literally: I want to eat all the food stuffs. It’s not even 9am and I’m making a veal ragù. But I’m not the only one right? This is totally normal and you’re all doing it too right? All you folks working from home? Master-level cooking at dawn? Anyone?
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Literally POUNDS of food, December 6, 2018
Well I ate the entire batch of veal ragù yesterday. To be precise, I ate one pound of brown rice pasta, one pound of ground veal, one entire mini carton of tomato paste and one/third pound of grape tomatoes. Also a side of broccoli some time around 8pm. I haven’t decided if I’m impressed or ashamed. More on that later.
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Probably vegan cheese, December 7, 2018
Update: I am NOT ashamed about the eating-multiple-pounds-of-food thing that happened Wednesday. I fasted for 24 hours yesterday and I am accepting of all my decisions, however strange they may be. What to eat today though??
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Sleepytimes, December 8, 2018
Today is my first commitment- and deadline-free day in over a month and all I want to do is sleep. So far I’ve already slept 9.75 hours but I can do much much better. Wish me luck! My snooze fest opportunity ends tomorrow.
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As it Should be, December 9, 2018
There’s something delicious and wonderful about a really good friend. I always grew up envious of the super-close relationships of others, and it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I got to experience such a relationship for myself. I’m on my way to meet up with my closest friend to do some meditation and I am bubbly with excitement to see her face.
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Bedclothes, December 10, 2018
It’s getting to that time again! That time when I finally change my sheets and, for one glorious week, feel like the put-together adult I aim to be. Phase one involves picking up my laundry and savoring expertly fitted linens; phase two is ripping my skin cell- and sweat-soaked bedclothes off; phase three is the laborious task of figuring out which end of the fitted sheet is which, and stuffing my down comforter into a duvet; phase four is showering and then diving into the clean sheets with a clean body and sleeping the sleep of kings.
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Bath Towels are magic, December 11, 2018
Not only do I now have clean and expertly folded sheets, I have bath towels too!!! I am not ashamed to say I have been using hand towels post-shower for the last few weeks, something I’m only able to get away with because I don’t have any hair on my head to dry. It’s super duper exciting to know I will have a fresh, adult-size towel available to me when I’m standing cold, wet and naked in my bathroom later today.
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Will the show be magic? December 12, 2018
Have you read the Marie Kondo book, The Life-Changing Magic Of Tidying Up? Well now it’s a Netflix show and you have no excuse to remain ignorant. I have been consistently purging items that do not “spark joy” for months and months and I am psyched to watch the new series, though admittedly, the trailer doesn’t quite capture the nuance of Marie’s method. No matter, I am here for it and eager to see the author and tidy-er extraordinaire in action!
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Photo Book I, December 13, 2018
I just finished my first photo book which I will be presenting as a gift to a lucky someone in the next two weeks. It’s 66 pages and took a lot longer than I anticipated. Also, the process made me even more thankful I finally bought a legit camera as the limitations of the iPhone were apparent in any picture using zoom. Ah well, onward and upward!
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U.S. healthcare is a joke and it’s not funny, December 14, 2018
Hey did you know there’s no longer a tax penalty for not having health insurance in 2019? I just stopped my recurring payments for subsidized MetroPlus which is just about the worst motherfucking bullshit “coverage” I’ve ever experienced. Instead, I’ve applied for accident-only medical insurance, and a dental/vision package that actually covers preventative care and expenses, imagine that! Anyway the point is that even if I have none of these things, I won’t be penalized in the next year. For this year, yes, but I’ve got MetroPlus [which covers NOTHING] through the rest of December so hallelujah!!
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Amber Rose, December 15, 2018
As a white lady with a shaved head, I hear people saying Sinead O’Connor’s name as I walk down the street all the fucking time. Which for her, is impressive that she’s still on people’s minds after all these years. Anyway! Last night someone said “Amber Rose” and that was a first! It also lead to an immediate discussion with my walking companion about whether she was white or black and how much sense the association made — well according to the internet, many many people have wondered the same thing. No point to any of this really, just the night I had.
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Revelations, December 16, 2018
Today I’m revisiting a holiday tradition of seeing Alvin Ailey’s Revelations. I first encountered it on PBS as part of its Great Performances series when I was in junior high and I was blown away. The choreography of the company is astounding, particularly that of the founder himself, Mr. Ailey; each performance more moving than the last. Revelations literally gives me goosebumps and makes me cry every single time, easily the most powerful dance piece I’ve ever seen in my life; timelessly modern and endlessly relevant.
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Fucking Mondays, December 17, 2018
Ahhh Mondays… Today I woke up to notifications that hackers in LA are using my inactive Postmates account and 12 messages from a dude who wants to “be my friend” and thinks that sending me four selfies, six blurry pics of face drawings and two incomplete sentences is the way to my heart. That’s really all I’ve got to say right now.
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Yirah All Day, December 18, 2018
I discovered Tara Mohr last month when I came across her book, Playing Big, on sale at a used book store and then noticed she was listed as a guest on several entrepreneurial podcasts. Last night I finally listened to one of her episodes and I learned about two Hebrew words for fear: pashad and yirah, and how she uses these terms to manage fearful feelings. The first word refers to fear of the imagined, and the second, to the fear of potential; something felt when treading into unknown, sacred waters of huge possibility. I am both fascinated and comforted and know both types of fear well.
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WEGMANS!@#$, December 19, 2018
Doing the family-holiday-visit thing today starting with my mom. Greyhound will be shuttling me into the wilds of upstate New York and I will get to enjoy my favorite part of these trips: driving my mom’s car on solo, late-night adventures. And by solo, late-night adventures, I mean going to Wegmans at 2am. Which is awesome by the way and if you’re sitting there judging me then you clearly have never been to a Wegmans, let alone a Wegmans at 2am. Well now you know.
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The first aM, December 20, 2018
Morning 1: back cramp — terrible, awful back cramp. I’m sleeping on a box spring-less twin-size daybed from 1989 so it’s shocking really. Nevertheless I managed to get 12 hours of sleep and that is a plus. Oh, that and doing a free load of laundry because I’m 39 years old and still don’t own my own washing machine.
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The Second PM, December 21, 2018
Afternoon 2: Last night I did my typical “run around Target until midnight and then wander around Wegman’s until whenever” thing and lo and behold I slept in today. Back cramp is lessened; I spent a lot of time on the floor and changed the pillow situation. Holiday family time is really divine.
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The Final Morning, December 22, 2018
Last morning: I have survived, albeit with a crick in my neck. This ground is dusted with snow and my bus doesn’t leave until late afternoon / early evening. Ita beautiful outside but I’m relieved to be returning home to the embrace of my own bed and the furry arms of my two cats.
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Even Tolstoy, December 23, 2018
Turns out Tolstoy wrote nonsense every day too; thinking about renaming this section “the tolstoy experiment” or “tolstoy routine” or I don’t know what, just hide it? This site is evolving and I’m still trying to visualize and plan through the stages of change and what will stay and what will go and what will live where. The naming conventions for different sections are the least of my worries really. Anyway, as always your thoughts are requested and welcomed; send a message. Also! Today is official Festivus and my dad’s birthday so get weird and festive bitches.
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New Edition, December 24, 2018
Last night I watched all 6 hours of The New Edition Story and followed it up with a couple hours of The Bobby Brown Story and holy shit LOVE. Also, where the fuck was I that I knew Bobby Brown came from NE but didn’t realize Bel Biv DeVoe did too??? Well now I know ha. Also those onstage fights! Also happy day after official Festivus.
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It’s That day, December 25, 2018
Tried getting up early today but just wasn’t feeling it so I hopped right back into my snuggly bed after feeding the cats. When I finally awakened it was 1:23pm and my tabby was conked out at my feet. Rolled out to do the prayer/daily intentions thing and then make my bed but Mr. Rumplethorpe was so committed to his rest — splayed out on his back, feet in the air — that he wouldn’t even budge when I pulled and attempted to straighten the duvet. Fuck it I said, left him to snooze and went off to catch A Christmas Story and drink some coffee.
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Um, Die Hard? December 26, 2018
IFC hosted a Die Hard Christmas marathon last night and you know what? Turns out I never saw Die Hard and I didn’t even know it! I think my confusion came from seeing Die Hard With A Vengeance and just wiped the fact that I missed the original from my young mind. So OK I watched it. That’s really all I have to say about that.
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A Dance Cure is upon me, December 27, 2018
This time of the year fucks my head up something awful. I eat too much, sleep at bizarre times and stay awake for odd stretches. My mind dances between total panic and complete paralysis — occasionally I jitterbug with a flash of inspiration but mostly I panic. I suspect dancing, lots of dancing, is the only cure for my physical discomfort and mental disarray; it always helps though I don’t know why.
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The Right Thing, December 28, 2018
Definitely entering that year-end reflective state… It’s hard to believe that a year ago I was working and so miserable yet still unsure that leaving was the right thing. There are many many things that remain unknown, but whether or not leaving was the right thing is no longer one of them. I’m in this for the long haul and committed to believing in myself — how about you?
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Do you have Tales of Sexual Disappointment? Please share! December 29, 2018
Hey there reader… Have you recently read my dick review and thought: “I have similar thoughts about women!” or, “I have some disappointments of my own I could tell you about!” Well, now is your chance to get these salacious and hilarious stories out into the world; I am officially open for your tales of sexual woe. Please send me a message with some juicy tidbits and I’ll weave them together into a follow-up piece, or, write your own piece and submit it for publishing. These stories deserve to be shared and so many of you have commented to me that you’ve got ‘em so let’s get ‘em out there — you can do so anonymously or for story credits and bylines if you prefer.
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A Possible “Pussy Review”?!?!?! December 30, 2018
Well it seems I have at least one warm lead on a possible “pussy review” so fingers crossed it will be good and there will be more to come. Still looking for other tales of sexual disappointment so please reach out if you’ve got something, there’s nothing too shocking for us! Anyway, it’s Sunday and this is the day on which I traditionally attempt to relax and rest and let the irritations of the week fall from my fingertips. Enjoy your day my dears — I’m off to do the same :)
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Thank You Sweet Baby Jesus! December 31, 2018
SO PUMPED for the last day of the year@%#*!! I just got a new phone, new service provider, some new clothes, a new planner; things are really good and I am oh so ready to let go of these last 12 months and dance my way into the new year. Also I mean that literally — I will be on my feet and jitterbugging when the clock strikes midnight and you should be too.