April 2018
The Art of Surrender, April 20, 2018
So I was super bummed yesterday and in total fuck-it mode. I created new stuff in spite of myself and I'm not entirely sure how it happened. My very first thought yesterday morning was "why even bother writing anything no one is reading it." And to be clear I still don't think anyone is reading these daily updates but I'm talking about posts now... Anyway so yeah, I wound up writing the "So there's this guy" post immediately after essentially giving up.
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Napper Extraordinaire, April 21, 2018
Even though working for myself means I am now working more hours in a week than I was when I worked for someone else, I still make time for naps. Now, I have been treating weekends as weekends to give my days some semblance of structure and so I afford myself a certain amount of leniency on Saturdays and Sundays. So far today: I got up to deal with some people stuff at 8am but was back in bed by 9 and then slept till 2:30pm. I'm going to call that a nap. I may even nap again later.
Today's projects (done in between naps of course) are: write a guest post on the Dubai gold and spice souks and a piece for this site on naps*, and begin laying out templates for a series of printed photo books I will soon be producing. The first sets will be based on my most recent trip.
*You will be surprised to know the idea for writing about naps came to me yesterday during a nap.
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Weekends Are a Time for High Hopes, April 22, 2018
I am going to go to a movie, get my glasses adjusted, return that thing to REI, make a meeting, hit a yoga class, ride a bike. These were all the things I planned to do this weekend, most of them today. Well it’s 1:10pm right now and I just woke up about an hour ago and shocker: I have done ZERO of these things nor will I with the rest of my day. The list is tentatively pushed to Tuesday.
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Being Sick Makes Me Question Everything, April 23, 2018
What is my purpose, why am I sick, when will I die, am I dying? My body has been craving sleep something awful these last few days and the reason is that my bio systems are under attack. Late Saturday I started feeling thick in my throat and so I immediately began dosing myself with Young Living Thieves Oil which is the best fucking stuff in the world and something that has both cured and protected me many times before. I'm still feeling a thickness in my throat and sneezing on top of it, but I think it's the universe's way of getting my attention. Maybe not. All I know is that part of my vision for this new life trip I've embarked on is to live in line with my own natural rhythms. And this is my rhythm right now and so I am following it. Also, I am still questioning the meaning of all of it because I may really be dying.
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Why Can't I Be Kind to Myself Without Judgment? April 24, 2018
Still sick, still suffering from the existential crisis that often accompanies illness... But! I have been gentle with myself, allowing sleep to come when it may and stay as long as it likes. That is until I wake up and start judging the fuck out of the situation. Knowing my body needs rest does little to temper my internal voice which is unfortunately compelled to tell me just how lazy it thinks I am. The other voice kicks in eventually, reminding me that perhaps I got sick because I was trying to do too much. The judge-y voice has much to say about that but whatever I hate that voice. As always I'm doing what I can, when I can. Is it enough? Will it ever be enough? Is that decided by me or you? Oh existence, you are complicated.
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The Value of Ignorance, April 25, 2018
I have mentioned before how I don't know what the hell I'm doing and it is still true even a couple months into this project. Yes, I'm more practiced about certain things, but the more experience I get in one area, the more I realize how much I don't know in a totally different area! It's maddening... and also freeing. When I was working at my corporate job, the endless red tape that came with every little decision led to a lot of non-action and "playing it safe". Maybe you have picked up on this already but I do not like playing it safe! What the fuck is the point! I am willing to risk big and as a result, willing to fail big. So when I send out an email campaign that I just designed on a whim, or publish a post about my inner struggles, or put something up on social media, ALL of it is a crap shoot. And all of it teaches me something. Being ignorant just leaves so much glorious space for discovery that it far outweighs the downsides.
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Late-Night Genius or Doofus? April 26, 2018
While battling a cold this week I managed to establish a routine of going to sleep between 4 and 6am and getting up in the early afternoon. I have actually been working in that waking time but I'm feeling a little judge-y right now about how sound my mind was yesterday before midnight. I signed up for a pass to next week's Small Business Expo and there are several speed networking events in the agenda so early (cough, 2pm) yesterday I started attempting to finish the lame-ass start to a set of business cards I've been mulling over for weeks. In terms of both income-generation and personal identification, I am both a designer and writer so I chose to make a card that represented both this site and my portfolio site. Turns out the service I had planned to use was having a sale that ended yesterday at midnight, hence the decision-making timing I mentioned. My point is I ordered 200 cards and I'm getting really concerned about what the fuck I was thinking when I sent the files that I did.
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Sick or Depressed—Which Is It? April 27, 2018
Since getting sick this past weekend I have binge watched most episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, eaten two pints of vegan ice cream in one sitting, slept more hours in a day than I've been awake and left the house only twice in seven days. I feel unable to complete any task and all I want to do is eat and nap. Last night I was convinced I had transitioned from "sick" to just depressed and so I finally left the house yesterday but then proceeded to overeat fried foods. This morning I woke up after only sleeping five hours with even more sinus pressure and sneezing and now I just don't know. How can I properly wallow in self pity if I don't have adequate clarity on my affliction?
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Depressed But Dancing Anyway, April 28, 2018
Yeah so I definitely have the blues. I'm still doing things though so haven't entirely given up on life. Like tonight, about to leave the house for a late get together and then heading to a party in the bronx even later so I dance my troubles away. Also I am running out of Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes so I may actually have to start participating in life again.
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There's Nothing Like a Sunday, April 30, 2018
When I was still participating in corporate America, Sunday was the worst. It may have started out great, getting to sleep in a second day in a row, but it would end with those blues that only come from knowing you are but hours away from starting a whole new week of the same old shit. But now that I've successfully removed myself, I look at this day the way my dad does (he's a retiree btw) — it is a day of rest. He has often made the point that "even God rested on Sunday" and I hear these words inside my head each week as this day approaches. No guilt about naps today my friends.