June 2018

Semantics Of Mania, June 1, 2018

Is lack of sleep always mania? I told someone last night that I'd only been able to sleep for 2 to 3 hours a night this week and she said, "Ah mania, but sometimes manic is good". It doesn't feel like mania to me — it's more like spinning out but staying in place. When I think of mania, I picture non-stop movement from thing to thing. I don't know why it matters really, just something I'm pondering. I did manage to sleep for 10 hours last night so that's good. But still not sleeping before dawn... Are early risers really more successful? Do sleeping habits really matter? I'm obsessed and it's not helping anything. Plus I read this the other day and it's not helping either.

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something between my eyes, June 2, 2018

I have this huge pimple between my eyes that's finally going away. Don't get me wrong, it is still absolutely there and I could still absolutely squeeze it again and make it worse, but for now it's on the losing side of our war. A perk of being older with many many many of these pimples under my belt, is not entirely freaking out about it like I would if I was still in grade school. Ok, I did kind of stay at home on purpose for two days in the very beginning but I did go and face people with it in full on attack mode so I am not without courage. Also those pimple dots don't work for shit. They help with what like 3% of the inflammation??? Anyway, is it some sort of spiritual comment on the functionality of my third eye?

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Everything and Anything, June 3, 2018

It has always kind of worked out that the people and things I thought would be there always wind up not being the people and things that are there; the idea of "there" being some hypothetical event, time, venture or location. Relationships and circumstances are fluid and seem to function best when I practice a very hands-off approach, at least when it gets to the point where I begin to feel a shift. Lately there has been so much fluctuation that it feels a bit like I'm watching a revolving door, knowing nothing of who or what will appear or go. I feel a certain amount of detachment to the outcomes which I am choosing to interpret as faith.

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Getting my Irish Up, June 4, 2018

There are certain reflexive, physical responses I experience in emotional or stressful situations. I sweat profusely from all patches of skin in contact with any surface, my face gets hot and I feel a flush of red from my heart to the top of my head. The phrase "getting my Irish up" always pops into mind during these times as I am Irish and because those four words so perfectly capture the totality of the feelings I described. In the last 24 hours there have been more than a handful of situations that have provoked this uppity Irish flush and it has taken every ounce of strength, mental composure and serenity I possess not to throw my head back and start screaming. Instead I have done my best to fake the calm, speak in a measured tone, move gently, slow down my speech. According to witnesses of these situations, I do not actually look red in the face and sound somewhat in control; a fucking miracle given the reality inside my body. 

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Stepping through, June 5, 2018

As I sit here at my desk, writing in a vacuum and putting things out there that may or may not go unseen, I can't help but think about the mental gymnastics I must do in order to keep going everyday. The sense of my own incompetence and ignorance, about things like social media and the future, is intimidating as fuck. There's a gray background that appears when I edit fields of the website and my mind thinks of it as the void visualized. And yet in spite of the unknown and the isolation and the questioning, I am able to pull it together and do the things I have committed to doing. The bravest thing I do every day is taking at least one more step forward.

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Letting go Of That Which No longer Serves Me, june 6, 2018

Just when I think I'm at capacity as far as interacting with people and generally giving a fuck is concerned, the universe hands me a day filled to the brim with one-on-one conversations. Honestly some of them were awful, but others were so unexpected, sincere and ultimately healing that I was forced to reevaluate my newly formed intolerance for my fellow man. Unsurprisingly, the interactions that sucked, were with people I'm not especially fond of so perhaps a "culling of the herd" situation. The discussions which were extremely positive, involved people I value and care for deeply. I guess sometimes I just need to hit a breaking point to clearly see the worthwhile from the depleting so I can free myself from that which drags me down.

I've been listening to a guided mediation every night for the last two and a half months that instructs me to "let go of all that no longer serves me"; it only took about 70 instances for the message to get through. 

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People Baggage Be Gone, June 7, 2018

I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about the recent deluge of one-on-one interactions, and the insight into where I should be investing my energy. This newfound awareness has been a long time coming — especially given the number of times I've meditated on this very specific topic. But yesterday and the day before were unique, in that they afforded me a magic combination of both willingness and opportunity to take action. These recent encounters have been gifts, allowing me to keep moving forward without dragging unnecessary baggage along with me. 

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Negotiating with and for myself, June 8, 2018

Oof, I'm in the middle of negotiating for a new domain and I am plagued with those panicky anxious feelings. I even called my mother for advice. Minus her incredulity at the price she wound up giving me good actionable suggestions so it kind of worked out. I really just need to go for it if I truly want it, and I believe in my heart that I do. Even so, my stomach is in tangles and I am running a flurry of thoughts about worth and risk and self on an endless loop in my head. Why is believing in myself and putting my money where my mouth is so fucking scary?

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"Always Play the hand you are dealt", June 9, 2018

The air is thick this week. The burden of dark feelings, the unknown, of irreversible decisions, it all weighs heavily upon our collective shoulders. Out late with friends last night, the conversation of course turned to the events of the last few days, and in turn, our own experiences with these situations and struggles. My friend Jeff shared something he had been told years ago, "Always play the hand you were dealt, never fold." He leans on this idea whenever his own dark feelings begin to affect his thinking and I am thankful he shared it with our group last night; something we could all use in our emotional toolboxes. To know that he has such firm commitment to staying the course and fighting through whatever may come his way is both comforting and inspiring. May we all have such dedication to never folding our hand, no matter what.   

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Deep In My Gut, june 10, 2018

There are nuanced levels to the feelings of my gut — this was not apparent to me prior to the last few months. I've had 'gut feelings' my whole life; as a kid it was a sensation I felt most deeply in my molars which I've never quite understood. I used to ask myself questions and then very thoughtfully take stock of the ensuing reaction, or lack thereof. It's difficult to describe, it was basically just a very mild feeling, an awareness of the roots of my molar teeth, indicating one direction or another. Over the years this method has become somewhat ineffective and I have switched to full-body checkins. Most recently I have come to discover that I seem to be feeling the distance of things in addition to whether I think something is right or wrong. This is also difficult to explain, but it's as if I see the thing I'm trying to determine my true feelings about, and sometimes it appears close and other times as if it's behind translucent layers, sometimes so obscured I can barely see it. There's generally a secondary sensation on the other side of my consciousness, giving context to whatever distance I'm sensing. I suspect that I'm able to see things more clearly once another decision or action has happened to allow for the response. It's been happening a lot lately, probably because I have very big ideas, wishes, concerns and goals, and there are so many intermediary steps and events between here and there, that the "right answer" changes depending on the actions I've taken, or become willing to take. At least, that's my gut feeling...

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Giving the Noise Purpose, june 11, 2018

A glorious thing has happened over the last few days — I've realized that I'm actually excited to wake up and write. I can't remember a single time in my life that I was excited to get up the next day and work. One of the many helpful things shared with me by the Swedish life coach is the reminder to not take my wealth of ideas for granted. I never realized until she said this, that for so many years I had done just that. Perhaps it's the conscious cultivation of gratitude for those endless thoughts that has gotten me to the place where I smile when they're running around my head, knowing that as soon as I wake up in the morning (cough, afternoon) I can begin bringing them to life. I can give the noise purpose. It's pretty fucking amazeballs.

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Thinking of Denis Johnson, June 12, 2018

I have never read anything Denis Johnson wrote save for this quote regarding his rules of writing: "Write naked. That means to write what you would never say. Write in blood. As if ink is so precious you can’t waste it. Write in exile, as if you are never going to get home again, and you have to call back every detail." My lofty and unspoken goals so fully described in but three lines. As a rather large, next step looms for whatever this all this (gestures vaguely towards the screen and surroundings), I've been working to articulate the motivation and possibilities I imagine for the future. But in doing so, I feel insecure about what I'm doing now, what I'm even capable of; sometimes I believe I am living that quote, and other times, as though I'm merely engaging in verbal masturbation online

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Graphicpaint? June 13, 2018

Well it seems as though something I've been searching for may have been right under my nose this whole time. Maybe. I mentioned a while ago that I've been working on a rename/rebrand/redomain/etc. and I've been fixated on the name ladyblood. It seemed the perfect combination: more general, evocative of something raw and messy, the gendered associations of the word lady... Well I just spent the last two weeks attempting to negotiate with the big internet company holding the name hostage as a premium domain and it did not go well. A pretty big contrast from a previous "premium domain" purchase, for which I negotiated a significant discount and pretty easily. That site name is graphicpaint and I bought it to be the home of a lifestyle/porn site idea that has been evolving over the last 15 years. Graphicpaint started as a shorthand to describe what I was: a graphic designer and painter, but as time went on I realized it could also mean explicitly described and imaged content. Kind of exactly like what I'm trying to do with this site. And here I've been using the domain name for my design portfolio while the lifestyle/porn site sits in the shadows unrealized and I contemplate spending too much money on a totally new name to express the same exact thing. Was all this struggle over the price really just the universe keeping me from making a mistake?

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So i did it... June 14, 2018

I changed the name. For better or worse the domain is now graphicpaint.com [though the old one will still redirect for a while]. As a sidenote, Google makes this sort of thing so fucking complicated and their interfaces are shit. I'm sure there are oodles of benefits I could be reaping by spending more time on the console and/or dashboard — I mean, are they the same thing?? — but every time I log in I'm so overwhelmed by the tech jargon and awful user experience, I leave quickly in frustration. Anyway! More changes to come but one thing at a time.

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?????, jUne 15, 2018

When you take a big step and then something goes wrong, is it a sign it was the wrong step, or the universe testing commitment and resolve? Yesterday I changed the domain, site name, etc. and then proceeded to change almost all of the font styles. I later discovered those styles are not carrying through. I've been in contact with service people for over 24 hours to no resolution, problem still unknown. Maybe I didn't need to change the fonts? Maybe this is a delay to stall the email blast I was planning until Monday, which had been my preference anyway? Or maybe all the changes were terrible ideas? I did say "for better of for worse" once I took the big step...

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"Every Problem Has A Solution", June 16, 2018

So many fucking feeeeeellinnggssssss. I mean, they're pretty manageable right now but oh boy was I struggling last night. I did manage to keep my wits about me and not spin out completely. Since the movie Philadelphia came out, I've employed the same approach as Tom Hanks' character when that file goes missing, I repeat, "every problem has a solution" over and over and it works. Not immediately, it's not magic, but it does help. It gets me to direct all of my manic mental struggle towards problem solving. And coming up with a plan after being hit with a problem feels pretty good.

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More Than Just Bike-Riding Lessons, JUne 17, 2018

Have you called your dad yet? Mine has come to expect my Father's Day and birthday calls late; he doesn't realize the reason is that it takes me several hours to work up the nerve to make a phone call. Any phone call. I love that he is forgiving in this way, and in other ways too, but being so chill about the phone call thing is extra special for me. I keep thinking about how he was the one who taught me to ride a bike; my mother had primary custody and she had put the most time into it, but what got me to go without training wheels was a weekend afternoon lesson behind a strip mall in Amityville, Long Island. I don't know what it was exactly, but something he said or did just got me over the hump of fear and I did it. It's that same stupid hump of fear that keeps me from picking up the phone and calling people but at least on this day, I can be sure I will.

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I Get What I Need, June 18, 2018

I have a mini sign posted on my wall that reads "things are what you make of them" and it just fell off the wall and onto my desk, right in front of me. Here I am, sitting quietly, wondering what the hell to do about today and then all of a sudden these words drop down. And of course they are the exact words I need right now. 

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Ummmmm, June 19, 2018

More often than not, I sit at my desk and stare at the screen trying to come up with something to write here. Perhaps you have been under the impression that this little section is a space for me to just selfishly pontificate? Not so. The truth is, this daily blurb section is actually a tool, and an incredibly effective one at that. I made a deal with myself that I would write everyday no matter how little, so knowing that each day I wake up, I am already committed to writing 100 to 200 words about something, anything, keeps me accountable and gets me writing. Sometimes I even get clarity on what I may be struggling with, seeing it appear in front of me in actual words; sometimes I get bubkes. Well now you know.

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The wonky Way Often Best Way, June 20, 2018

I was running through some ideas last night and noticed that I still have to remind myself not to feel tied to a perceived formula. I say 'still' because this is something I've struggled with since I first realized I did it, some time during freshman year at art school. In last night's case, I was running through the words of an essay, the topic, the pieces, etc. and I hit a snag point where I felt like I didn't have enough information and so I thought, ok now I'll just have to give so and so a call to go over this point again, to fill in the details of a conversation I felt like I'd forgotten. The person in question is kinda hard to get a hold of so while I was wrestling with the 'how' of it all, it suddenly occurred to me I could just write about the state of my memory and the whole situation instead of being little miss hospital corners about every little thing; the point of the essay isn't about exactly what was said but instead about what feelings it inspired. My point in describing this, is that this is the kind of thing I frequently forget, that I can just do it in a wonky way if that wonky way is the fucking truth. I went through this writing the piece about Jeff; I was trying to base it on something which felt uninspiring and flat and it took me weeks before I was able to approach it from another angle. In some cases I'm able to see it and act in a different way, but what about all those times when I don't even see it??? It boggles the mind.

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The "Turtle Method", June 21, 2018

Last night [cough, this morning] I slept like a baby. After a series of unexpected events and helpful conversations, I went home and sat with myself for a bit, lying on my bed face up and staring at the ceiling while I talk out loud to an invisible party, attempting to work through the feelings I have which I don't understand, I call this the "turtle method". Over the last few weeks I've been struggling with a very particular area of my life where I have committed to a shitload of responsibilities, an area in which I am sensing backlash/judgment/etc. Things like gossip, outright argument and possibly sabotage (honestly that last one could be paranoia, but...) and the result has been my preoccupation with who is saying what and why and blah blah blah. I used to be so good at not giving a fuck and now, well with this, not so much. But this morning [cough, afternoon] I feel light again, presumably as a result of the turtle method? Whatever the reason, I just hope it lasts.

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No Good Deed... June 22, 2018

Hey! Look who's up early! [it's 10:26am] It's me! And I feel like death. Every time I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour, reasonable being anywhere from 10pm to 1:30am, I sleep for three hours and then popup like a turkey thermometer. Then I wind up eating carbs out of boredom and the misguided theory that they will make me sleepy enough to go back to bed. I finally laid down again at 6:30am but didn't really fall asleep for at least another hour, only to be woken up by the cats and then back to bed before I absolutely had to get up at 10. In about an hour I'm helping a friend with a very important assignment I agreed to weeks ago; still wondering when the coffee will kick in. Also negotiating how little prep time I can get away with, i.e., makeup, even though my skin is awful right now and my options feel limited. 

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A Gold Star for Procrastination, June 23, 2018

So far today I have returned a rental car, bought 8 large bricks of Bustelo coffee, taken a nap, texted five people and spoken to one. Writing everything out like that makes it seem like something, and I guess for a Saturday it is, but still — it's all very underwhelming. I'm doing some gold-star level procrastinating on finishing up the three articles due by Monday morning. I am reminding myself repeatedly that it is all a choice and if I continue to choose to spend my energies on other tasks then I also need to get good and comfy with the results of these choices. This reminder has had little effect.  

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Pushing Through, June 24, 2018

Today is go time. I jumped a big hurdle yesterday, getting through an event that was several months in the making, and now have the rest of this day ahead of me to focus on doing what needs to be done. I've got that "things are what you make of them" sign right in front of me, my vision boards on the wall, and commitment in my heart to fulfill my responsibilities and tasks. Plus I just read this article which helped reset my mind. Life is good; life is what I make of it.

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Ahh 'Picture Quotes', June 25, 2018

Generally I find those 'picture quotes' posts to be annoying as fuck. I'm especially disdainful of the ones with any kind of cheesy background, you know, the woman looking wistfully off into a field of daisies, rainbow gradients, angel corners and the like. If there's a cursive font, even worse. Anyway, having said all that, sometimes they're really helpful. I gutted my social media accounts a few months ago to follow posts which brought me up instead of making me feel shitty and one such account is @lackisanillusion. Earlier this week they posted a picture quote that read, "don't waste another second thinking you're failing when all you're really doing is growing" from Chani Nicholas. That shit hit me right in the gut and of course I 'liked' it, and then sent it to myself too for future use as I forget all manner of helpful lessons.

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Those Days, June 26, 2018

I'm paranoid about sounding like a broken record, but holy shit my emotions are all over the place. Some days I wake up and I'm confident and clear and then other days I am absolutely plagued with dark waves of self-disgust, shame, fear and panic all at once. Yesterday was one of those days; at this moment I think today is not one of those days but... I should really reread that quote I posted yesterday.

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Journaling, June 27, 2018

I started journaling this week. It's been about six years since the last time I did so with any regularity, and it's all thanks to my youngest sister who spontaneously gifted me with a trio of the most beautiful blank books I've ever seen. They're almost too beautiful to write in but I'm doing it anyway so they don't feel existentially useless. Also, because I'm still plagued with emotions I need to do something with lest they drive me mad. Incidentally, that last time I journaled regularly was when I was working on my first 90 days of sobriety; I told myself if I could just write something each day then I would be able to stay clean. The uncertainty, fear and hopelessness that I am struggling with now is the same as it was then. In fact, everything about my current situation and those early days feels similar: believing that "more shall be revealed", continuing to act without any evidence or clear direction, blind faith, discomfort, navigating how to live in a completely new way, rebuilding daily life and routines, developing new methods of coping and moving forward. It's eerie. But it is also a tiny bit comforting knowing I got through it then and I can probably get through this now.

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I Wish There Was an App for Ending Relationships, June 28, 2018

There's a palm reading app, are you aware of this? I just found out last night on Instagram so of course I immediately downloaded it and signed up, the whole time thinking "this is fucking genius! it's about goddamn time!". It has a $19.99 per month subscription fee can you fucking believe that????? Anyway, it also has a three-day free trial which I did and already cancelled this morning. The reading was ok but I did take issue with the fact that it requires you to upload pics of both your left and right hands but it does not ask you which hand is your dominant hand. Any palm reader worth their salt knows that the dominant hand is the indicator of current and future happenings while the non-dominant hand is the past — major oversight in my opinion but whatever. The point is it said my gut is most perceptive when it comes to people and right now I'm about to get ready to meet with someone that I don't feel especially keen about spending time with and am basically wishing that our relationship will dissolve on its own without me having to take steps. 

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Cats Are Magic, June 29, 2018

My vet puts fresh mini catnip toys out for every appointment and they welcome you taking them with you when it's time to leave. As a result, there are about 8 or 9 different cat toys all over my floor at any given time. The toys are not fancy; they are generally tiny fabric or cord-wrapped mice, long tails, a micro amount of catnip inside. They don't move or beep or do anything, they literally just lay there. Right now at this very moment, Harvey Rumplethorpe, my large and proud tabby, is jumping around, batting at one of the toys and occasionally swatting it away in some random direction, then running after in delight. He is actively making his own joy and it's pretty amazing to watch. The fact that he is fucking adorable and covered with fur doesn't hurt (he's on Instagram by the way). If you haven't figured it out, I'm trying to say that the cat is demonstrating an important lesson in how to live — make your own joy! Don't wait for something to come and buzz around, move it yourself! Believe in magic! I say that last one because part of me suspects he believes the mice are actually alive and they just require his magic touch to activate, is he wrong though??

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Still Magic, June 30, 2018

One of the greatest things about working from home is having a cat in my lap when I sit at my desk. Generally both of my furry beasts are nearby, and almost always one of them jumps on me from my workstation or uses my bare leg skin to pull themselves up into my lap by their claws. I wish I understood the appeal, what is so utterly compelling to them about my sitting at a computer? I know it's a common phenomenon but does anyone know why?? Sometimes I like to tell myself they are housing my muses but sometimes they're everywhere and I have zero ideas so maybe not.