August 2018
MySpace? August 1, 2018
Yesterday was much less dramatic than I imagined and more harried than I expected. Also I ran into someone I met on MySpace — MYSPACE!!! Prior to yesterday we had only seen each other in real life once at one of my annual Festivus parties. Our initial introduction was so long ago that I can't even remember how we even got connected on the site in the first place. Anyway! what a trip and I guess a fitting way to close out the month?
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I'm Just gonna stay inside, august 2, 2018
Currently it is cloudy, humid and way too wet outside. August is in fact my birthday month and I'm really hoping it turns itself around; these conditions are not at all conducive to an outdoor celebration which is really how I would like to close out this birth year. I'm looking for that dry, intense daytime heat with a cool, crisp shift night that whispers "hey youuuu, fall is cominggggggg" — that's the kind of weather I can get behind. This shit right now is torture and leads to unfortunate quarantining inside air-conditioned interiors.
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An Old Queen, August 3, 2018
Last night I dreamed that I was older but a queen; unfortunately I was also in a wheelchair as the result of some debilitating back thing. Also there was some question of my abilities given my age. There were a lot of story lines going on centering around theater and theater people and the potential takeover and restoration of an old theater; theater theater theater ugh. So basically all about acting and getting older, jesus that's not topical or timely whatsoever. Did I mention it's my birthday month?
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Past Pain, August 4, 2018
I woke up to an old friend texting me about the high school graduation incident in the rape piece I published yesterday. Running on about four hours of sleep, I wasn't exactly eager to relive even more specific details than those shared in the essay as we messaged each other back and forth. But then he wrote "I feel like we all as a group failed a friend first by not providing a reasonably safe place and second by not properly policing a situation from it and that allowed it to happen again. I'm sorry." I didn't realize until I was in tears how much I needed to hear that from someone with any connection to that time and those people. My friend was not the perpetrator, I don't think he was even there that night, but those words carry so much weight. Thank you M.
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Master of Production or neurotic behavior? August 5, 2018
A lot of to-do list stuff happening today, not exactly the restful Sunday I would prefer. It feels good to be busy, and I like the payoff of actually accomplishing a whole string of things, no matter how small, but I almost always feel like I'm going to miss or do something wrong. For good or bad, my "method" of working is: make obsessive lists [with post-its of course], worry, double check notes, research, repeat previous steps a few times, finish the work, realize all the worry and neurotic struggle was totally unnecessary, obsessively explore the worry and neurotic struggle, finally pass out.
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Medium!!! August 6, 2018
Last week I got a message from the site Medium telling me that my stories had earned me $4.33. A small amount for sure but it was huge to get that news. I've posted six pieces so far and today I woke up to a posted comment and the discovery that I've gotten 124 'claps' for my most recent post over just three days. What I'm trying to tell you is that I'm fucking giddy — $4.33!!!! 124 claps!!!!
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publishing Publications, August 7, 2018
All right so back to business today after the giddiness of yesterday. Actually yesterday transitioned into business-centered errand running so this is really just a continuation; I'm working on securing legal counsel to assist me with the contracts and release forms I'll need to use for publishing and production. Speaking of, today I'm meeting with a young artist whose work will be the sole subject of the premiere book by the GRAPHICPAINT Publishing imprint. Later this evening I'll be meeting again with Jeff SSB (Jeff, Who Writes Poetry) to curate a collection of his older poems, also for publication.
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Vintage Poetry, August 8, 2018
Right at this very moment I am in possession of a hand-typed collection of poetry that is over 50 years old. The pages are yellowed and brittle, occasionally marked, illustrated or noted by hand. It is one of four volumes that has been temporarily loaned to me by Jeff SSB so that I might transcribe it and eventually (! so many many pages my God) publish it. Going through the pages I can see the raw naive writing of a man driven by poetic thought and without the censorship of age and experience. It is so ephemeral, rough and authentic, just holding it gives me goosebumps.
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Doing things with peoples, August 9, 2018
It's nice to have plans — plans with people whose company I enjoy that is; I hate plans with people I'm 'meh' about. Doing things on my own so often means that when there are arrangements involving other human beings, well it's unusual and kind of a big deal.
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The depletion of giving a fuck, August 10, 2018
There's some post circulating the internet with a quote from Jim Carrey about 'healing auras' and the dearth of broken people they attract. Maybe this is the reason why so many people I know reach out to me at bizarre [and inconvenient] times for guidance and support, attention and open ears? Am I cursed with this healing aura stuff? Sometimes it's all very helpful; takes my mind off my own issues which is great, but sometimes I just can't deal with other people's shit, I have barely enough support, attention, guidance, whatever, to offer myself let alone another person. In those times I have to just decline the call, ignore the text, or say goodbye and excuse myself if it's a face to face thing. Finally alone and in beautiful silence, I spend the next half hour sighing heavily and exhaling through my mouth with eyes closed. Eventually I recover.
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The time I give things, August 11, 2018
Things really do take as long as I give them. As in, if I give myself two hours to do something, it will take two hours; if I give myself two weeks to do the very same thing, it will take two weeks. I'm beating myself up a bit about not publishing anything this week [other than these daily posts], but I've allotted this week in my production cycle as my off time, with a publishing deadline of Monday sooooo, not really surprising that I have nothing finished.
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Back in the day, August 12, 2018
Back in Deposit NY, home of the lumberjack festival and my youth from 4th grade through the end of high school, there lies a lake. Ok there are actually two versions of a lake with Oquaga in the name, but the one in Deposit proper has a classic Catskills resort along the shore. Said resort, Scott's Oquaga Lake House, was selected as the backdrop for that show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, the trailer for season 2 recently appearing on the interwebs. I watched the teaser even though I've never seen the show, and boy did it bring back memories. As a teenager I worked there as a waitress, a lifeguard and a maid; the place is stuck in time and this tv series (at least as depicted in that short clip) really captured the whole thing. I'm feeling nostalgic now and it's fucking weird.
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To Party or not to party, August 13, 2018
Every year around my birthday I wonder if I'm going to throw a party. More often than not I decide against it and the event comes and goes with little fanfare [or drama]. Then there are the years where I get all pumped to do something, generally every four years or so, and then I spend too many hours overplanning, overinviting, overstressing, over- everything in anticipation of something that's supposed to be fun and celebratory. It's been about four years so of course I've got the tickle to do a party. But this year I want to do it right, learn from my mistakes and all that. I'm planning to co-host it with a friend whose birthday is the day before mine in the most low-key possible fashion with as small a guest list as possible. But there's almost three weeks before the party, which is unfortunately plenty of time for me to turn into a planning-obsessed nut who turns everything low key into high stress.
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Sayyyy, What are you doin' with that zucchini... August 14, 2018
Shout out to that moment when you send an email campaign which includes a link to your new post about Baby Zucchini and the only person who responds tells you they thought the post was going to be about the sexual things I was doing with said vegetables... They're just fucking delicious people, AS FOOD.
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I can't go very far if i don't start somewhere, August 15, 2018
Feeling a bit stagnant these last few weeks. There are some long-term projects for which I'm taking the groundwork-laying steps, but in other areas I'm just holding off on taking direct action. It's that lack of action in those few areas that makes me feel like I'm treading water. Ok ok it's the audio editing of the podcast episodes, I'm still stuck! Maybe I shouldn't "fix" them and just post 'em as is, fan noise and all, and they'll be a fun marker of how far I've come once I have some experience and a dozen episodes under my belt. Thoughts?
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Ain't No Way To Forget, August 16, 2018
I started my day reading about Aretha Franklin's passing and listening to one of her most beautiful and gut wrenching songs, Ain't No Way. My eyes are still puffy from crying through the track; her voice, that saxophone. It's seems odd experiencing such emotion for a person I've never met, but maybe it's just a beautiful and sincere recognition of her incredible talent, and even more so the example she was of someone who fully knew, owned, and offered their gifts to all of us. Her voice was a blessing.
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Guts, August 17, 2018
I like to think my gut is pretty good. Not in terms of my physical gut, that's pretty fucked by my wackadoo eating habits, but my psychic gut, which I believe knows more than my head and heart combined. You would think, given the far-reaching wisdom of said gut, that I would listen to and follow it without reservation, but you would be wrong. It never ceases to amaze me how I'm able to find new and crazy ways to justify and explain away all those strong feelings and hunches and clues, but I do, again and again and again.
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How do i get to the other side now? August 18, 2018
Today seems to be all about the idea that everything I want is on the other side of fear — progress, success, motivation, inspiration, relief... I am thankful that I've spent so many years acting without thinking in millions of little ways; such behavior has given me a long experience in not giving in to fear and the stagnancy that so often results. Of course this method has backfired sometimes, but for the most part, my taking leaps without stopping to let my frightened mental chorus talk me out of things, has done more good than harm.
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I've learned nothing, August 19, 2018
Yesterday I ate like shit. It started with homemade pancakes, which I did make partially with almond flour but still, pancakes. I made a quick butter/honey mix to pour on top; it's worth noting that the butter was grassfed and the honey was raw and unpasteurized because that absolutely makes up for the fact that I was carb loading. About an hour later I made popcorn with grapeseed oil, sea salt and more butter. Then I ordered delivery: a shrimp mofonguito appetizer and a four sparerib entree with yucca fries which I attempted to save for today but ate at 10pm with a bit of mayonnaise. After that I couldn't shake a craving for sweets and went to my neighborhood deli for a Think Thin peanut butter bar and a bag of Pirate's Booty. I ate everything and then wished I had bought a second bag. Indigestion hit about two hours later.
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FreshDirect is dead to me, August 20, 2018
Maybe I was saved from myself last night; I had scheduled a delivery from FreshDirect for late last night and it never showed up. I'd like to tell you I didn't lose my temper but that would be a big fat lie; whatevs I did get my money back and $50 in credit but who gives a fuck when it's in place of the delicious foods I was counting on eating? I could have been stuffing my face with delicious vegan ice cream and grilled cheese sandwiches but no, instead chicken sausages, scrambled eggs and vegetables, ugh.
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Was this a test or am i an idiot, August 21, 2018
Last week two opportunities for web projects came out of nowhere. I responded to both but with some side eye; is this the universe pushing me efforts towards this type of work or is this a test of my convictions? Haven't yet heard back from the first so who knows what's going on with that; for the second, the next follow up is today and I'm nearly certain I will be passing. What's curious is how even after all this time, after all the experiences I've had, I still question whether my uncomfortable feelings are fears about the unknown or instincts telling me something isn't right. I felt unsettled immediately following the initial conversation for the second project and still it's taken me all these days to figure out how I truly feel. My blind steps in favor of my own potential and future personal endeavors continue.
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Maybe, Maybe Not, August 22, 2018
Should I or shouldn't I? It's truly disgusting how much time I waste on this question. Whether about giving up or moving forward or making a change, the query presents itself on a daily basis. Though I prefer to live a "why not?" life, there is still deep value in being selective and saying no; as long as that 'no' isn't coming from fear. The part I find tricky, the reason this question comes up so much, is that I have a difficult time knowing for sure. Can you guess what I'm struggling with right now?
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mmmmmmmm Pancakes, August 23, 2018
I thought you should know that my all-pancakes-all-day diet has finally run its course. We had a good run, those pancakes and I, a whole four days. But now I guess it's time to introduce other foods, maybe a vegetable? Not promising anything. Because I still really want to eat more pancakes.
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Delicate Ecosystems, August 24, 2018
I read a lot of imposter syndrome and yet I still struggle to believe it's as widespread as the media would have us believe. So much of my life has been spent scared shitless and convinced that I have absolutely no idea what the fuck I'm doing; sometimes I shift courses, but more often than not I just push forward in spite of my feelings. It really makes me wonder if there is ever a time I won't be scared, though maybe the fear is the point? It doesn't feel really helpful but it might be one of those crucial but unpleasant parts of a delicate ecosystem where the whole thing would collapse in disarray if that one element was removed...
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Speaking out loud: helpful, August 25, 2018
So that confusion I thought I had about a new project has finally more clearly revealed itself to me as a 'no'. It seems discussing situations out loud is nearly as helpful as rolling dice to make a decision you think can't make; you realize pretty quick once words are coming out of your mouth and you hear what they sound like in the air, how you truly feel which in essence you really knew all along [much like the outcome of the dice immediately indicating where you stood the whole time].
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Stupid Morning Texting, august 26, 2018
Ever do something immediately in the morning, before you've really had a chance to wake up, and regretted everything 5 minutes later? I'm talking about texting! Jesus christ why why why do I respond to things right off the bat and before I've even had coffee? Absolute madness. Almost as bad as drunk texting.
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Birthday Week! August 27, 2018
So the birthday week has begun. Of course I count Monday as the start, Sunday is the end don't be stupid. Tonight I'm meeting my birthday buddy and another good friend for an evening of gluttonous all-you-can-eat barbeque. Although I must admit, I feel a bit like a bullied my birthday buddy into participating but it's for his own good so I'm not gonna beat myself up about it.
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Growing... August 28, 2018
Well the barbecue was meh but the company was 5-star so: outing successful! This year I have been the most chill about my birthday that I have ever been, at least in terms of celebrating. The years I didn't celebrate don't count as 'chill' because I would just sulk and curse in private, damning the lack of hoopla and partying. I'm like, really mature right now.
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Day-Before-My-Birthday-Brain? August 29, 2018
Eh one of those days filled with self doubt, restlessness, general unease. I'm sitting here racking my brain for words and listening to my cat Harvey lick himself methodically. I spaced out and forgot to drink my coffee before it got cold. I have some fun new breakouts on my face. Today I am a real winner.
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Hard to please, August 30, 2018
I like to think I'm not the only one who feels underwhelmed on their birthday. Whether I do something or not is irrelevant; the day just stinks of hype and anti-climax. I'm inclined to stay inside all day, enjoying vegan ice cream and pancakes, napping between food comas and watching horror movies, but I know if I do that I'm gonna get hella pissed that no one is acknowledging the monumental event with hoopla. Granted, I'll have the same reaction even if I leave the house but at least I'm making an effort?
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The first day of a new year, August 31, 2018
So it happened, I turned 39. I didn't leave the house, I only answered 2 of the 3 friends/family calls and I ate vegan ice cream and pancakes just like I anticipated. There were hopes and plans for activities but in the end I stayed put and got still, not a bad way to spend a birthday. I do feel somewhat anew and motivated to start fresh on this early morning. However I did forget to change my sheets yesterday and that was a bummer.