September 2019
“Don’t Focus On The Shit” September 1, 2019
A new month huh? Ok. Sleep schedule is all fucked again and I’ve made some questionable life choices in the last 48 hours but whatever, it will pass just like time. I’ll be occupying part of today by looking up my new horoscopes from multiple internet sites; shit works itself out when I don’t focus on it.
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Only a couple days past my birthday and I already spaced on saving a blurb…
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This Is Definitely 40, September 3, 2019
I bought a couch last night and have my first mammogram in just a few hours; what could be more adult? Please note that both of these items terrify me. With the couch, will it be comfortable? Will it fit in the elevator? What hassles may happen with my building? With the mammogram, this shit is painful right? Is it going to permanently flatten my boob? How painful is painful? Do I have cancer? You see what I mean right — adulthood is scary AF.
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All The Questions, September 4, 2019
Oooh whee gonna address all the questions and comments I’ve gotten about everything sex-related on this week’s episode of SEX COMMUNICATION. I’m compiling it all now to produce the content ahead of my air travel cuz I’m going to a sex conference this weekend. Anyway! There really is a very wide gamut of things people want to know and I’m happy to cover all the things — as much as I can at least.
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Sex-[Conf-]Bound, September 5, 2019
Soon I’ll be en route to the first sex conference of my career. I’m a bit concerned that I’ll be intruding given that this particular conference has a focus on people of color and I’m a random white girl from the north, but I know that I’ll be welcomed. I've been granted a media pass and so I’ll be documenting and exploring all the things as long as I’m there, honoring the access I’ve been given to the best of my ability. Each day I will be posting travel diary entries for the conference and trip; wish me luck getting into some shenanigans.
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“Zero Shenanigans” September 6, 2019
One night down, zero shenanigans. I’m here and ready for a full day of workshops and lectures, etc. and trying so hard to drink this coffee fast enough to actually wake me up. Hey did you know there’s a ferris wheel right in the middle of downtown Atlanta? Yeah I ran into it last night while walking off my dinner.
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Witnessing Many Shenanigans, September 7, 2019
Today was so full of workshops and classes that I didn’t even remember to update this section, oops! A day well spent though; got watch live demos of erotic asphyxiation AND vaginal fisting so... The Sex Down South Conference has just become a new annual tradition.
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Ma Belly, September 8, 2019
Air travel, indigestion, possible partner sex? These are the things on my plate for today. Even though I have heartburn and a round belly from finishing off the remaining half of a full slab of baby back ribs at 1am, I’m still sitting here at the Atlanta airport trying to decide if I’m going to eat or just continue fasting till I get home. There is something about being down south that feels more accepting of fuller bodies but I still have preemptive discomfort about being back in NYC and even more so about plans to play with #54 later this evening. I keep telling myself that said partner wouldn’t play with me if he wasn’t into my body but with every passing week and day it feels bigger than it used to be and I’m anxious as fuck and struggling with body acceptance.
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Ma Boobs, September 9, 2019
I had my mammogram follow up today and it was fucking awful. Way more painful than the last time plus I had to wait two hours just to be seen for the first part of the appointment because of some miscommunication. I can’t tell you how awful it was being squeezed in a machine while seeing images of my breast tissue on a computer screen with circles around different parts of the scan. According to the tech I have cysts, not tumors, but I still have to wait for the final word from my doc.
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Ma Perspective, September 10, 2019
Feeling much better today having given myself time and space to process the events of yesterday. Brene Brown says “shame cannot survive being spoken” and I have certainly found that to be true. The instant something shameful or painful passes through my lips is the moment my discomfort fades. I shared in this past “How I Got Off” episode that the experience of having the mammogram(s!) triggered a lot of paranoia and neurotic fears of karmic retribution for my aesthetic stance against breast implants in porn. This is to say that what I’ve gone through physically and emotionally in the last week has been an opportunity to consider changes in perspective, and at the very least a broader view of topics at hand. I still prefer natural breasts, my aesthetics have not changed, but my level of compassion, empathy and curiosity certainly has.
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The Surprises, September 11, 2019
I’ve been really touched over the last two days by the concern and outreach of multiple folks after I shared my mammogram experience; support emerged from the most unexpected places. I thought when I sat down at my computer today that I wouldn’t have anything even barely 9/11 related to share, but in writing this I remembered how the city banded together after that day in 2001, how we each felt so connected and concerned for each other, as if we were collectively holding breath, space, love… It was beautiful, awful and unforgettable.
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Not Suitable For Public Consumption, September 12, 2019
Been fighting a cold for a few days along with some frazzled anxiety, though I’ve come to recognize the latter as a reaction to being on deadline so I’m trying to not to let it send me into a defeat spiral. The frazzled anxiety brings with it oversleeping, overeating, undershowering, as in, I feel most suited for isolation rather than public consumption and leaving the house is a chore.
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Many Very Important Somethings, September 13, 2019
Of all the things that drive me crazy, I am at the top of the list. Am I that addicted to discomfort that I need to procrastinate on every possible thing, each time pushing the envelope a little more? I can’t even right now, mostly because I’m deep in the thick of the anxiety-ridden drama loop I’ve created by waiting till the very last minute to take care of something very important. Ok actually many very important somethings.
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Another “Genius Or Crazy” Moment, September 14, 2019
I’ve had a revelation! That procrastination I wrote about and struggle with yesterday? Well I was also hella agitated and anxious [and resentful] and I realized why! At least in regards to a specific situation… see I booked a job for X amount of money and said job [and client] always requires more work than I anticipate and certainly more hours than I charge. But when I procrastinate, I leave myself a very set amount of hours in which to do the work thereby controlling the cost/time balance and theoretically forcing myself to do only as much as I’ve already estimated with my pricing. Genius or crazy?
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I Wanted This, September 15, 2019
Last year I was just getting into the visualization / manifestation swing of things and did one exercise that involved writing out what my ideal, typical day would be a year from that moment. I remember describing the flow of waking and working, and specifying that the working involved a chunk of time responding to folks who reached out to me about my projects. While it doesn’t happen as consistently as I imagined, it does happen. Sometimes it frustrates me, the timing of a message or request in conflict with my mental state or just asking more than I am able to give; sometimes it brightens my whole day and keeps me going. Last night was an example of the latter and I’m still riding the high.
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“This Is The Part Where You Validate My Anger” September 16, 2019
I am absolutely sour with rage right now. There was a leak behind the wall in my bathroom and since it’s discovery I’ve had to accommodate the super running rampant in my apartment — cutting into the ceiling, doing a pisspoor job cleaning or preparing the space for mess, and shadily charging me for other things along the way. “Oh your toilet’s running since I installed it? $200 for some new part and two hours of my time;” no ask, no consent, just a bill. I’m angrily conveying this all to my roommate and awaiting his shared frustration to make me feel better about wanting to break a neck over my knee.
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My Anger, Renewed, September 17, 2019
Well my roommate did eventually validate my anger yesterday and eventually I got to a place where I was able to let go of my vengeful fantasies. And then! I get this fucking comment on the last podcast episode:
“Good for you
Hey is your pussy hairier than your head
Why don't you talk about being bound and gagged more”
Go fuck yourself “LLoyd”
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How Will I Know, September 18, 2019
Well I’m not angry anymore. The passing of hormones? The removal of irritants? The expression of feelings? Every single on of those things? Yes, maybe, probably, absolutely… Oh and I’m meeting with an individual who I’m quite keen on later this evening. So, maybe nerves and none of the above?
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A Dull, Flat Discovery, September 19, 2019
Ah the reality check of communicating with someone I’ve barely met and then meeting them again in person only to discover a dull flatness where I had imagined a warm connection to be. A lesson was learned for sure and I got the experience of hope and excitement about someone new so not a total loss. Also we had sex but meh. Things just can’t be what they are not you know?
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A Calm, Focused Hellbent, September 20, 2019
There was a moment during this past week when I felt like my rage had lifted. Well that was fucking bullshit cuz I’m even more hellbent today. But like, a calm focused hellbent? Anyway, I’ve been leaving the house more regularly and being more intentional about things and even though I woke up to two very interesting developments I feel as confused as ever. I’m talking about praying people! Ever prayed for guidance and then seen some and been all “yeah but…” about what you get? That’s me right now. Well that plus the rage.
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The “Askers,” September 21, 2019
Jumping onto Skype these days is a fucking shitshow. I’ve made it a point to only enter that realm for interviews but the folks who’ve previously started chats with me there can be relentless. While I appreciate the contact with folks engaged with what I do, some of them can’t stop barraging me with asks and needs and pressure to do things with them that I have no interest in doing. They continue whether I’m online or not and it’s nonstop should I hop back on for even a moment. The really shitty part is the fallout for the handful of people on there with whom I would like to continue chatting or playing with; the innocent bystanders in my ongoing battle with the “askers.”
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Asking The “Askers,” September 22, 2019
Yesterday I asked one of the “askers” on Skype to pay me for my time. He was appalled at the ask but has had no problems telling me how much he wants to be watched and asking me to be the one to do so. An empowered moment inspired by the sex worker I was set to interview later? Perhaps. I’m @graphicpaint on Venmo by the way if you want to pay me for my time.
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When It Comes To Race… September 23, 2019
Of all the things I’ve written about, discussed, explored, etc., race is by far the most challenging. I’m working on a piece now that documents my experience at Sex Down South 2019 and it’s a huge part of the event. My biggest concerns come from the perception of entitlement and not properly honoring the attendees or intentions of the conference which have zero to do with me as a white woman. Here’s praying I get over my damn self since I’m behind on delivery as it is…
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When Juuling… September 24, 2019
I’ve been Juuling up a storm and it makes me anxious as hell. The luxury of smoking indoors, the lack of smell and ash, but the tradeoff for concerns of popcorn lung and drowning myself slowly — quite the mindfuck. The last time I bought pods the guy commented that it must be better than cigarettes but is it really? Haven’t you heard about all the vape sicknesses and the personal injury attorneys trolling Juul users?
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When Freaking Out About Juuling… September 25, 2019
Just in time to further fuel my Juuling anxiety, Vice publishes a post about the growing subReddit threads where Juulers are sharing tales of woe and searching for tips to quit. Yesterday I went through nearly an entire pod whereas before I had gone through only 2 since January. The ability to be indoors and smoke near-constantly is too fucking easy and it’s no wonder people are scared, myself included. Right now my device is hidden in a drawer till this evening as an attempt to curb my fast-growing habit; we’ll see how that goes.
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Do You Want To Be Humiliated By Me Too? September 26, 2019
Ah the wonders of the interwebs. Yet another man has reached out to me begging to be humiliated by yours truly. This time the individual is claiming to be seeking a findom arrangement but let’s see how serious they really are… Any other pathetic men out there needing to taught a lesson?
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Adventures In Sadism, September 27, 2019
The little sissy humiliation requester called me a misandrist today. I would be insulted if I gave a fuck but since I don’t… Anyway, it’s fun having an asshole compensate me for my bad attitude; a health outlet for my anger and aggression no? Also it’s well deserved so I’m essentially doing a public service.
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Suspicions Abound, September 28, 2019
Getting back to the Juuling dilemma wherein having heard multiple reports of vaping damage I’m vaping more than ever… Last night I consulted with several smokers and Juulers (that’s right they do both), and said parties have switched to only cigarettes in light of the recent events. The consensus was a resounding “regular cigarettes are clearly safer” and I don’t buy it. On the one hand, I’ve had that instinct because I’ve never trusted vaping, but even though I have a scratch in my throat and I’m extra phlegm-y right now from my increased Juuling habit, I don’t feel as bad as I would if I was smoking as many cigarettes. Also I’m convinced big tobacco is behind all this drama to drive exactly what is happening with this “return to cigarettes.”
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Saved, September 29, 2019
Oh those moments when you almost go back to an ex for no-strings-attached sex and then his craziness burns the opportunity out… Said ex bombarded me with dozens of texts and emails that both exalted and insulted me as is inline with his modus operandi. I am thankful the situation never came to fruition as it could have only lead to bad, bad things.
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Sex Therapist To Be? September 30, 2019
Yesterday a friend and sometimes lover asked for my help and insight about erectile dysfunction. It was momentarily strange to be in a position of offering advice to someone about such a topic, especially as it relates to playing with people other than myself. Fortunately for them, my desire to help trumped my selfish desire to keep all the action (or non-action such as it is) in a greedy lustful stockpile. It’s really making me consider more seriously the pursuit of sex therapy education.