June 2019

New Month, Old Habits, June 1, 2019

It’s the start of a new month, the weather is beautiful, I have plans to leave the house and I have nothing to say. Well except that the letter “t” is sticking on my keyboard and it’s driving me fucking bonkers. And also that I’m kinda/mostly hoping my commitments will cancel so I don’t have to leave the house and can remain indoors working in isolation. I’m very complicated.

***

Can Complain, Will Probably Complain, June 2, 2019

So I left the house yesterday after all. It was looking good there for a minute though; I had mixed up the weeks for the first commitment and then the second one was taking his sweet-ass time confirming so I assumed we were off and tried to nap through my stress. That led to masturbation and by the time I was done he had texted to confirm. In the end it was all positive; I broke my week-long dry spell and progress was made in the planning/shoot scheduling of my crowdfunding video so how can I complain? Except I still want that fucking nap.

***

Kink Lists, June 3, 2019

When was the last time you had a frank conversation about your sexual interests or boundaries? I’m having a text exchange right now with a potential partner about hard limits and kinks in a casual way not unlike how others might discuss a grocery list. You should try it. This is how shit gets done, and done the way you like it.

***

I, Chicken-Shit Introvert, June 4, 2019

There’s nothing like a day filled with cold-calling plans, pitches and follow-ups to remind me how much of a chicken-shit introvert I am. For reals, I feel full-body terror when holding the phone and getting ready to dial someone. Even just writing about this I feel sick to my stomach, anxious, panicky. Bleghhhhhhhhhh.

***

And Now This, June 5, 2019

Well I didn’t burst into flames after cold-calling but my face certainly got hot enough to feel as though I did. Whatevs! New day, new opportunities / triumphs / struggles. Like lingering paperwork from my old job and 401k meddling! If I never saw another instance of that company’s name, I would be quite content; it really put a bad taste in my mind mouth just being reminded of my time there.

***

The Constant Struggle, June 6, 2019

There’s nothing like trying to make new plans to make you remember old plans, especially when those previously scheduled old plans mean today is suddenly no longer today. In other words, all of the things I would be doing tomorrow are suddenly on my plate for this evening. Also, do I even want to do the old plans anymore?

***

Nope, June 7, 2019

Ever try to date someone with a different communication style? It quickly makes all other things irrelevant. After all, if you can’t even align with someone with on the frequency and type of communication, how can you align on anything else? Saying this after encountering a needy texter who began sending multiple, daily messages before we’d even met. And now that we have, it’s only gotten worse. Not for me, no thank you, moving on.

***

Baby’s First Conference, June 8, 2019

At the Next Gen Summit after a stressful morning. No sleep, no shower, high adrenaline. Did I mention a giant roach has emerged from some drain to hold my entire bathroom hostage. Having first sip of coffee in three, two, one…

***

Sweet Relief, June 9, 2019

My new roommate is my new hero! I woke up at 4am to a text informing me of the death of Mr. Bathroom Hostage Holder, a.k.a. Papa Roach, a.k.a. really-big-fucking-cockroach. I slept soundly FINALLY. Also I showered, which may be even more important.

***

Deathwatch, June 10, 2019

Hot on the heels of the creepy bathroom invader, I was finally motivated to use the supposedly ultra-powerful anti-roach goo gifted to me by a kind soul in my building. It’s kind of like a giant syringe except it was missing the push part so I got the stuff all over my fingers. Anyway! After putting it around the apartment I noticed its food-like smell and I also noticed that my cats were licking it up! I am still freaking the fuck out and so afraid one or both of them will drop dead. According to the interwebs, they would need to ingest “large quantities” for it to harm them but what qualifies as a large quantity to a cat??? Also I did clean it up from wherever it was reachable by their little tongues to eliminate additional ingestion but still…

***

Online Chat Expert = Savior, June 11, 2019

Harvey Rumplethorpe, eater of the roach gel and giver of panic attacks, is just fine. He got HIGH AS FUCK yesterday; pupils like two black and glassy marbles, dopey and clumsy and adorably docile, but terrifying nonetheless. I used an online chat-with-an-expert-service to find out more about his condition as the information available online was insufficient in terms of letting me know if my dear kitty was in danger. Vague entries like “only large quantities are harmful” did nothing — after all, what qualifies as a large quantity?? The chat vet had the same question but informed me that what I was witnessing was a normal reaction to the ingredients and that if he wasn’t having a seizure, he was probably through the worst of it. Whew. The service was JustAnswer if anyone else needs an expert on call.

***

Unexplained Incidents, June 12, 2019

Yesterday I saw a totally chill and fluffy raccoon marching up my fire escape before eventually stopping and resting a few floors above me. I also heard several minutes of thunderous crashing, as if a giant structure was collapsing and rolling down a hill. Both incidents without occurred explanation or validation from others. No one else seemed to notice the furry visitor… no one on the internet reported any source or witness to the terrible sounds… WTF?!?

***

Stupid Complicated Feelings, June 13, 2019

I’m writing a piece about the identity-based feelings I’ve experienced as a result of shaving my head, and then last night I dreamt that I suddenly had shoulder-length hair. I stood in front of a mirror and saw it for the first time and it was as if it had grown overnight. Anyway! Now my complicated feelings are even more complicated! Ugh. Also I can’t stop picking at my face from stress, double ugh.

***

Fears And Mind Tricks, June 14, 2019

The daily photos I’ve shared today and yesterday make me uncomfortable. Maybe they make you uncomfortable too? It’s become both a matter of honesty and a wake-up call/catalyst to behave differently when it comes to dealing with stress. The mud mask you see in today’s image did help the skin situation a bit; now I have to continue healing and NOT PICKING until Sunday evening when I’m supposed to be filming a short video. Of course I am terrified.

***

What Happened To Outgrowing Acne? June 15, 2019

So many scabs and red spots still remain on my cheeks. I just applied organic Camellia flower oil in the hopes it will soothe and smooth the flaky parts and help the inflammation disappear. I really thought I’d be past the active acne once I was this close to 40. I don’t just feel insecure and depressed, I feel misled.

***

Crankypants, June 16, 2019

Another fun instance of being stood up by a scheduled interview. Even worse, they were active in all the platforms on which we’ve been communicating 20 minutes prior to our appointment time and didn’t say a fucking thing! The colossal disrespect for someone else’s time that some people exhibit is INFURIATING. Ohhh — but they understand if I want to cancel. Yes, that makes everything better.

***

June 17, 2019

ugh, something about ‘Twatwaffle’ being the best word… didn’t get a chance to do this part yesterday and now it’s gone into the ether :(

***

Like Chicken With Cut Head, June 18, 2019

It may be apparent to some of you and not at all to others but, I am WAY behind. Behind on emails, designs, writing, outreach, admin stuff, campaigns, replies, and on and on. If you are personally affected by this current lapse, I apologize; things will be back on track shortly!

***

I Need Help, June 19, 2019

Still behind and now sick. That whole “God doing for you what you could not do for yourself” notion keeps popping into my head. Same for last night when a damaged cable resulted in loss of internet service at home and I went to bed early. Woke up with a sore throat and now all is well with the world.

***

I Asked For Help, June 20, 2019

Taking time to recuperate and also to ask for help and proactively inform others of my predicament turned yesterday from a bed-ridden disaster into a productive and healing time. Of course, there were a few moments when I sunk into a bluesy funk, watching an intimate relationship unfold on a tv show... But then said couple had a fist fight and I got over that shit.

***

Happy Solstice Bitches, June 21, 2019

Fun fact #882: I fought to get every solstice, equinox and Halloween off as religious holidays back in high school. At the time I identified as a practicing member of the Church of Satan and it was a very reasonable request. I also got to sit down during the Pledge of Allegiance because of the line: “under God.” I was a pill.

***

Magic + Pussy, June 22, 2019

I just interviewed a gentleman who practices sex magic and I didn’t ask him about the solstice — I have failed. Except it turns out he’s a bit of a pussy whisperer so perhaps the surprise trumps the fail? Also, I really want oral sex right now.

***

Magic + Pussy, June 23, 2019

I just interviewed a gentleman who practices sex magic and I didn’t ask him about the solstice — I have failed. Except it turns out he’s a bit of a pussy whisperer so perhaps the surprise trumps the fail? Also, I really want oral sex right now.

***

Pushing Through? June 24, 2019

I’m struggling with so much fear right now. All the work and financial decisions I’ve set myself up for are weighing on me so much more than expected; I feel paralyzed. I’m stuffy, exhausted and panicked but somewhere in there, still stubbornly determined.

***

Other Side? June 25, 2019

Oh man did I make myself uncomfortable yesterday — but apparently that was exactly what I needed because I did actually push [a lot of the way] through. I worked for hours upon hours, broke down crying while recording the week’s [QUICKIE] episode, and in the end finally experienced some semblance of relief. I was uncomfortable because I was afraid. And my fear stemmed from recognizing that progress exposes me to an even bigger risk of failure and rejection — that the bigger the investment in myself, the bigger the chance of falling on my face. It’s still absolutely terrifying but somehow less so now that I’ve said the words out loud.

***

Gratitude, June 26, 2019

I’m a bit blown away from the support I’ve gotten from listeners this week. While I continue to chug away at the redesign, uncovering new challenges with each step, the emotion roller coaster is still rolling along. But how nice to have so many folks reach out and offer comfort and identification — it’s really turned my whole week around, thank you... In fact, I’m going to wear one of my new summer frocks outside today! Enough with the jumpsuit I’ve been wearing for five days.

***

Self Sabotage Or Celebration?, June 27, 2019

Just when I was feeling fat and ugly, I got picked up on the train last night and by somebody very attractive and even a smidge older. Not sure he is an ideal candidate but it was certainly a pleasant end to the night. I celebrated by eating an entire quart [not pint] of vegan ice cream from Trader Joe’s.

***

Talking With Assholes, June 28, 2019

I think it’s hilarious when people expect me to be embarrassed but I’m not. For instance, I got emotional [embarrassingly so?] on the last QUICKIE episode of the podcast, and last night this guy mentioned listening to it and then paused with his eyebrows raised slightly, presumably expecting tears? An apology? A statement of shame? I smiled and sipped my coffee.

***

Super Crispy, June 29, 2019

Frustration and discomfort are my main motivators. To that end, I have an unfortunate habit of allowing said frustration and discomfort to build and build and build until it’s overwhelming in its awfulness. When I can’t take it a second longer, I finally act. And then I go and go and go until I feel like a piece of burnt toast. Sometimes the relief is overwhelming in its awesomeness, sometimes it pales in comparison to the burnt-ness. I am super crispy right now.

***

Carsick Blues, June 30, 2019

Is getting carsick a part of getting older? In the last few years I’ve gotten sick to my stomach in the back of cars and that never used to be the case. Last night someone offered to split a cab with me and I had to get out after only 30 blocks because I had to throw up so bad. What the fuck? I used to read books in the back of cars!