May 2019
???, May 1, 2019
Missing entry because I spent all of yesterday moving my new roommate in and I forgot to update this section… Something about not forgetting your mom cuz Mother’s Day is fast approaching!
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Everything Changes Now, May 2, 2019
I have an official roommate now — if things have seemed a bit scattered or behind or I haven’t responded to your message, this new home addition is why. Yesterday I was up till the wee hours of this morning separating junk from donations from keepers, moving boxes and crates, arranging and rearranging, on and on. The work continues today. And even though things aren’t finished yet, I feel immense relief just from physically shifting things that have been stagnant for so long.
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Stupid Emotional Responses To Change :( May 3, 2019
Turns out all of this moving of stuff and people is pretty emotional?!?! I cried a bit yesterday, a glut of feelings hitting me very unexpectedly. Anyway, new roomie situation is positive and I’m happy about it, but the process has triggered some unfortunate memories and situations. At least I left the house yesterday.
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How Do You Feel About Interviews With Vocal Distortion? May 4, 2019
I’ve had three people ask me to disguise their voice, unwilling to record an interview otherwise. At first it was a matter of tech and know how [and not having the means to oblige]; now it’s a matter of principle. I’m still looking into it, mostly because it’s motivation to upgrade my current set up and allow for other advancements and sound changes, but it bothers me. On the one hand I absolutely respect their feelings and understand the request, and on the other, this podcast project is a demonstration, a beacon, of honesty and fearlessness. If I allow someone to hide behind vocal distortion what kind of message does it send? Am I overthinking this?
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Masturbation Parties And Male Sex Mixers, May 5, 2019
#54 has been cleared for sex service so of course I put a fair amount of effort towards taking advantage of his availability for a some male-on-male group sex [WITH me of course]. Well things didn’t quite work out; the original target never replied — cold feet? — and my second ask, a local ex, declined on the short notice and fact that he didn’t know the guy which is very reasonable. I guess it is a biased assumption that guys would just jump right on board without meeting the other party, certainly I would have the same response. So I guess now I need to host a mixer to get all potential participants acquainted and see who jives with who?
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We Call It The “Infinite Drawing” May 6, 2019
Welcome to the start of a new project! Another collaboration with a Bruce brother, the size and outcome of which remains to be seen. So far we’ve done significant work on the first 12 feet or so [see image] but we have zero clue as to how much is left since we don’t actually know how long the roll of paper we’re working on is; mysteries abound! Just like life.
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Some Nights Shit Just Sucks, May 7, 2019
Another wonderful night in MTAland! It all started at the 14th street station where I waited six minutes for the uptown 1 train. Once inside said 1 train, I sat and waited 20+ minutes with no announcement until we were then told there was some signal problem. A few minutes later we were told to get on the 1 train going express across the platform. Sat in there for another 10 minutes before another announcement letting us know that there were no longer any uptown trains and everything was being sent downtown wheeeee!!! Then my Uber driver got lost trying to drop off one of the other passengers.
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Bizarre Boundaries, May 8, 2019
It only just hit me how bizarre my boundaries have become as of late. I’m having coffee today with a guy who sent me a video of him jerking off and I’ve never even met him. And somehow it all seems normal, except, not. Also this is not an opening for jerking off videos, I am not meeting with him because of that — in spite of that really. I ignored it and just scrolled on and only remembered this morning that it was there. I’ll be making a GIF out of it and posting in the BANNED IMAGE FEED later today as I will with any dick images or footage sent my way in the future.
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Perfect Is Still The Enemy Of Done, May 9, 2019
I’m thankful to have broken a writing block streak though I have mixed feelings about what came of it. Anyway! I’m going with it, ever reminding myself that “perfect is the enemy of done” and even if what I wrote yesterday served no purpose other than generating momentum, it’s still a win.
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I Don’t Feel Sorry For Straight Men, May 10, 2019
Yesterday someone actually called me on the phone [?!?!?!] to talk about my post on Instagram promoting this week’s article, “Must Have Big Dick And Thick Skin.” The person calling was a friend so I actually answered the phone, and I was touched that I had managed to provoke such a strong response that an actual conversation was warranted. Said friend was a gentleman who was wondering what the response would have been had he posted something like “Must Have Tight Pussy And Thick Skin,” his assumption being outcry. I completely understand his reaction and assumption. However, in the bigger picture, [straight] men have been in control of the cultural narrative in such a broad and pervasive way that such a message has already been out there for some time. It’s all just become part of our background, the idea that women “Must [insert any physical ideal].” My post was merely a drop in the bucket for the other side.
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Boundaries?! May 11, 2019
Speaking of, “Must Have Big Dick And Thick Skin,” someone sent me a pic of his objectively big dick via IG message in response to “my ad.” The fact that it was taken as an ad (presumably in jest but still) was the best thing that happened to me yesterday. Another instance of my-boundaries-are-different-than-most and that’s just fine with me.
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Mom Stuff, May 12, 2019
Not on the best terms with my mom at the moment which is a kind and diplomatic way of saying that she shits all over me and my work whenever I speak to her and so now I don’t. I did text her though! And send a card. Sooo, basically now it’s just a waiting game till her birthday I guess.
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My Way Or… May 13, 2019
When someone asks my opinion I truly expect that my input will be taken as gospel and rise to the top of the heap of other intel. Last night I was speaking with my bestie about some things she had questions about, and she mentioned other people whose opinion she had gotten and how different everyone’s thoughts were and that she was going to marinate on everything and come to a decision. Meanwhile, I’m listening to this and thinking, but I’ve just told you what I think, why wouldn’t you just listen to me?? Ugh as if anyone else has as much insight! I’m kidding of course. Ok I’m not.
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Dicks For Days, May 14, 2019
Another week, another cock pic. I honestly never expected that when I posted “Must Have Big Dick And Thick Skin” on IG that men were going to interpret that as an ad and not as a post for something else. Naivety? Obviously. Nevertheless, today’s submission was pretty classy! A through-the-jeans pic which is a first; the guy was very sweet and respectful and we chatted a bit before he asked if he could send a pic of him nude. Well my dears, it’s even bigger with no pants.
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No Mid-week Orgy? May 15, 2019
So I’ve been planning on attending my first orgy this evening but the address has still not arrived. This is a bucket list-level activity and if it falls through and doesn’t happen, I will be super-duper bummed! I mean sure, I can always organize my own — but this one is organized by women and I was really looking forward to meeting some kindred spirits and picking their filthy brains about sex event hosting. What am I going to do with my Wednesday evening now? Kidding! I have plenty of ideas and options.
No Mid-week Orgy :( May 16, 2019
Ooof, I did not expect yesterday to be so emotional. My male roommate is woke AF and we’ve been discussing the anti-abortion legislation that’s been getting passed for at least a week, but only yesterday did it really hit me. Tuesday night I had the idea to write about my own experiences with pregnancy and abortion and contraception and then Wednesday, the whole thing finally hit me in the gut and I felt paralyzed. I did post a short piece but I couldn’t manage to get my head together enough to finish the deep dive or go to the orgy… Speaking of, somehow the location email was never sent to me which I interpreted as a sign from the universe. Also, I realized I’d much rather participate in an orgy of my own making. Also, I was just too fucking upset to fuck.
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The Good And The Bad, May 17, 2019
This has been one of those weeks where I did nothing but also everything. Back when I was working for the man, this would have been a week where I called in sick multiple days in a row and used the time to organize my kitchen or finally clean my house; the work I did this time puts those days to shame. I have gone through every piece of mail, every bag and collection of junk, every closet, and separated oodles of unnecessary crap from the minimum set of things I actually wanted to keep. I also organized all the remaining objects AND hung three things AND repaired a broken painting. And yet I’ve only written a small and underwhelming piece about abortion rights and made some media assets. Basically I feel like a failure and a success at the same time.
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Let’s Make It Worse, May 18, 2019
I just did an interview for someone else’s podcast and I’m feeling more self conscious about what I shared there than I am with the things I’ve shared here. Is it because I’ve left my words and thoughts in someone else’s hands? Whatever the reason, I’m soothing my discomfort by watching the Ken Burns Vietnam War series with my roomie, which is to say I feel bad and I’m making myself feel worse in response.
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Good Morning Dick, May 19, 2019
There’s nothing like opening up IG to find yet another suite of giant dick pics from a very young guy responding to my size queen post... There’s one in particular who has sent me about 7 pics already, each more impressive than the last. Don’t worry, they’ll wind up on the BANNED IMAGE FEED for you to enjoy soon enough. Happy Sunday to me!
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If It Ain’t Broke, May 20, 2019
Today I settled my very last debt [not counting new tax debt] and that means on June 1st I will be 100% DEBT FREE. I will also be extremely cash poor but this is another story for another time. My God, I can’t tell you how good it feels to have taken care of these accounts! Funny thing, this putting every last dime of liquid assets towards these balances to square everything away all at once while ensuring that immediately following such action my finances will be extremely tight, is not unlike how I would do drugs or binge eat. I would always choose to do all the things all at once and prepare to suffer the consequences [also all at once] rather than moderate either the debauchery or recovery. Process still works!
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Mmmmm Newports… May 21, 2019
I’m exactly two months away from my 7-year sober anniversary — assuming, of course, that I don’t pick up alcohol or drugs between now and then! Pray for my soul cuz I’ve already got the Newport crave that annually precedes this milestone and is a good indicator that I’m getting uncomfortable. Damn raids have shut down my go-to loosey spots and I hate Juuling because it’s the worst and honestly doesn’t taste anything like a real cigarette. But you shouldn’t smoke! It’s real bad.
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Not The Best Nor The Worst, May 22, 2019
Ok ok, I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one last night. Yes just one, which is how I manage to justify this behavior, “it’s just one, I’m controlling it, it’s just for a couple months” etc, etc. Anyway, sometimes the healthiest thing I can do is to give into the “bad behavior” and have some love for myself in spite of it. Smoking cigarettes is still a whole lot better than me drinking and blowing coke again so really I’m making a good choice.
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Masturbation For Everyone! May 23, 2019
I’ve gotten two messages in the last day telling me that Episode 31 of the podcast was such a turn on that they masturbated to it. That’s heartwarming stuff! I share sounds of masturbation, people masturbate to it — a wheel of self love! Anyway, you should probably listen and give it a shot; masturbation month is almost over!!!
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Now I’m Out Like A Lion, May 24, 2019
May has been quite a month; while I haven’t had nearly as much sex as I would like, there have been so many new introductions and then of course the whole I-settled-all-of-my-debts thing so I’m ending on a high note no matter what. It’s too bad that I kinda forgot to make “holiday” plans for this weekend but whatevs. I’m focusing instead on pulling some epic shit together for this year’s Pride month, stay tuned.
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Sex Cycles, May 25, 2019
I legit forgot that May still has 6 days left, oops. Been focusing on more important things like the strange sex cycle of meeting up with someone, playing, recording it, getting off while listening to it, getting off more while discussing it, and then all of these things leading to another instance of meeting up wherein the whole thing starts again. A year ago I was worried I would never have sex again because I had shaved my head.
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Sun, Sales and Sketchiness? May 26, 2019
I’m sad to say I’ve already been caught up in the holiday weekend sale frenzy. Mostly because I administered the final death blow to my Series 1 Apple Watch [which I fucking loved and I will fight anyone who talks shit about using such a device] which led to a replacement which led to purchasing an SD card which led to some “Choose What You Pay” items on Everlane. Anyway! Everlane is wonderful and I love them and their business model but I bought the watch and data card from Amazon which I feel sick in my belly about. Too bad Apple is allowing their 3rd party retailers to offer a bigger discount than their own site and with faster shipping. Though they’re all using child labor and shady business practices so in the end does it matter? It’s too hot for this.
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Will Time Tell? May 27, 2019
Is there much of a difference between not handling criticism well and wanting to separate yourself from people who don’t share your vision? Where is that line of distinction? Does anyone else ever ask themselves, “is this me protecting myself, or is it me denying truth?” I suspect it’s a “time will tell” and “every case is different” type of situation so I’ll check back in a year.
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Time Already Told, May 28, 2019
Turns out there’s no need to wait a year; by the end of yesterday it became clear the individual who had inspired the last blurb was just not my people. And by that I mean, the person “didn’t get it” and that’s ok. Maybe someday they will and won’t feel the need to apply their vision onto my own. I do so appreciate the folks who do “get it” and look forward to making moves with them — their presence helped me move out of the self-doubt spiral.
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Staten Island Or Bust, May 29, 2019
Off on a Staten Island adventure today. But not by boat! No no that would be too exciting; I’m talking about a road trip with new roomie with a mission. This too is exciting, believe me — there’s nothing like a mission, and the mystery of what it will be like spending hours locked inside a tiny machine with someone for the first time, to get the blood going.
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Monetization Coming Soon, May 30, 2019
I just got a notification that I’ve been approved as a LELO affiliate which I like to interpret as being one step closer to landing a sponsor for the podcast. I’ve been reaching out to sex-positive brands and excited to be on my way to monetization. To that end, I’ve also started my journey on Eventbrite as a host for the private events going on behind the scenes. There will be future public events but for now, you have to know where to look to find the goods.
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The Dicks Are Small But The Views Are Big, May 31, 2019
The big week continues! Our sex podcast was just featured in an article up on Healthline, I’m now an official Eventbrite host and LELO affiliate AND a piece I wrote last August about disappointing dicks has suddenly spiked to 2.2 thousand views on Medium. By the way, “disappointing penis” is my #1 Google search word. Just sayin — lots of disappointed peeps out there.